What does it mean to honour your father and mother?
The short answer
The Fourth Commandment — "honour your father and your mother" — calls us to love, respect, and care for our parents, and by extension to give proper respect to those who hold legitimate authority and care for us. It also reminds parents and leaders that authority is for service, not domination. It's the hinge between loving God and loving the people closest to us.
Full explanation
After the first three commandments, which order us toward God, the Fourth turns to other people — and it starts, tellingly, with the family, the first community any of us know. It's the only commandment that comes with a promise attached: honour your parents "so that your days may be long." God ties our flourishing to how we treat those who gave us life.
For children, honouring parents means love, gratitude, and respect. While young and under their care, it includes obedience in all that is good. As we grow, the form changes: adult children aren't bound to obey parents as a child would, but the honour remains — respect, gratitude, and especially care for parents in their old age, illness, or need. Jesus sharply rebuked people who used religious excuses to dodge caring for their aging parents. Looking after those who once looked after us is at the heart of this commandment.
For parents (and the commandment implies their duties too), authority is a responsibility, not a privilege. Parents are called to love their children, provide for them, and especially to be their first teachers in the faith and in goodness — by example more than lecture. The home is where a person first learns whether love and authority can be trusted.
The commandment extends outward as well. The respect owed to parents becomes the model for proper respect toward others who hold legitimate authority and serve the common good — teachers, employers, civil leaders, the lawful community. Citizens have real duties: contributing to society, paying just taxes, participating in public life, loving their country.
But this respect is not unconditional obedience. The Church is clear that we must obey God rather than human authority whenever the two conflict: if a parent, boss, or government commands something genuinely evil or contrary to God's law, we are not only permitted but obligated to refuse. Authority is legitimate only when it serves the good; it is never a licence to demand sin. Honour, yes; blind submission, no.
Why this matters
How we treat the people we owe the most — parents, family, those who've cared for us — is a deep test of character, and a society that abandons its elderly or treats family as disposable is in trouble. At the same time, grounding all authority in service, and limiting it by God's law, both dignifies legitimate authority and guards against tyranny. This one commandment quietly shapes families, workplaces, and nations.
Myth Common misunderstanding
One misunderstanding is that "honour your parents" demands lifelong, unconditional obedience, even into adulthood or even when commanded to do wrong. It doesn't — adult honour is respect and care, not childlike obedience, and no authority may be obeyed in doing evil. The opposite mistake dismisses the commandment as outdated; in fact its call to honour, gratitude, and care for parents and elders is as urgent as ever.
Scripture connections
- Exodus 20:12 — "honour your father and your mother," with the promise of long life.
- Ephesians 6:1-3 — children obey and honour parents; the "first commandment with a promise."
- Sirach 3:1-6 — honouring one's parents, especially in their old age, brings blessing.
- Colossians 3:20-21 — children obey parents, and parents not provoke their children, balancing both duties.
- Mark 7:9-13 — Jesus condemns using religious pretexts to avoid caring for one's parents.
Church teaching references
Reflect
Is there a parent, elder, or family member you've neglected to honour — through distance, resentment, or simply busyness — and what is one concrete way you could show them care this week?