The Secret about Sex and Holiness

Summary

Fr. Mike Schmitz reveals what he calls the "secret" teaching of the Catholic Church — that the marital embrace between husband and wife is not merely permitted but is an actual path to holiness. Walking through the sacramental theology of Matrimony, he explains that the bride and groom are the ministers of the sacrament, that the sacrament is ratified at the altar but not completed until the sexual embrace, and that every subsequent act of marital intimacy in a state of grace is a renewal of wedding vows that increases sanctifying grace. Far from viewing sex as something dirty to be tolerated, the Church teaches that it is so good it is actually holy — and this reality transforms both how married couples approach each other and why premarital sex violates the sacramental order.

Key Points

What a sacrament is

• A sacrament is a sacred sign instituted by Christ that gives grace — specifically sanctifying grace, which is God's very life dwelling within us
• The seven sacraments are the primary means by which God communicates his life to us
• Understanding this definition is essential to grasping the Church's teaching on sex and marriage, because Matrimony is one of these seven sacraments

The bride and groom are the ministers of the sacrament

• In Catholic theology, the bride and groom themselves are the ministers of the sacrament of Matrimony — they confer the sacrament on each other
• The priest (or deacon) is present as the official witness of the Church, but he does not administer the sacrament the way he does in Baptism or the Eucharist
• This means the sacramental reality of marriage flows directly through the couple's own free consent and mutual self-giving

The sacrament is ratified but not completed at the altar

• The exchange of vows at the altar ratifies the sacrament — it is the formal, public commitment before God and the Church
• However, the sacrament is not considered complete (consummated) until the couple enters into the sexual embrace
• The marital act is not a mere add-on or afterthought — it is an essential element of the sacrament itself
• This is why a marriage that has not been consummated can be dissolved by the Church, while a consummated sacramental marriage cannot

The marital embrace as a renewal of vows

• Every time husband and wife come together in the sexual embrace, they are renewing their wedding vows — the total gift of self made at the altar
• This is not metaphorical but sacramental: the act re-enacts and deepens the covenant they made before God
• St. Thomas Aquinas taught that as often as husband and wife enter into the sexual embrace in a state of grace, they are growing in grace and glory
• The marital embrace is therefore not just permitted but is an actual means of sanctification — a way of growing closer to God

The Church's real teaching: sex is holy

• The Church's teaching on sex is not that it is dirty so save it for someone special — it is that sex is so profoundly good that it is actually holy
• The marital embrace is a path to holiness, a means of grace, a way that spouses are sanctified and drawn deeper into the life of God
• This transforms how married couples approach each other: the bedroom is not separate from the spiritual life but is part of it
• Understanding this truth fills the marital embrace with reverence, gratitude, and a sense of the sacred

Why premarital sex violates the sacramental reality

• If the sexual embrace completes and renews the sacrament of Matrimony, then engaging in it outside of marriage is a fundamental contradiction
• Premarital sex performs the sacramental sign without the sacramental reality — it speaks the language of total self-giving without the covenant that gives it meaning
• The Church's prohibition is not rooted in prudishness but in the recognition that sex carries a weight and a meaning that can only be borne within the sacramental bond
• Waiting for marriage is not about restriction but about honoring the full reality of what the act signifies

Notable Quotes

"A sacrament is a sacred sign instituted by Christ that gives grace — sanctifying grace, which is God's very life." — Fr. Mike Schmitz

"The bride and groom are the ministers of the sacrament of Matrimony. The priest is only the official witness." — Fr. Mike Schmitz

"Every time husband and wife enter the sexual embrace, they are renewing their wedding vows." — Fr. Mike Schmitz

"The Church's teaching on sex isn't that it's dirty so save it for someone special. It's that sex is so good it's actually holy — a path to holiness." — Fr. Mike Schmitz